This morning as I was driving into work, praying my morning offering, letting my thoughts wander as they often do because of the length of the drive and the demands of paying attention to the road, I had a thought coalesce in my mind. For months I have told myself that I am being impatient while working these last few months, however many there may be. I have said I need to be more patient as I wait for the process to slowly turn its gears and I can finally walk away, but this morning I decided I am not being impatient, I am only eager to begin.
If I were being impatient I would have thrown my hands up long ago. I would have declared it impossible and allowed myself to sink into despair. Maybe I haven't been as impatient as I thought. I have patiently held this vision of how our lives could be for years. This patience has not always been cheerful or pain free, but it existed. The pinprick of hope that allowed me to see through disappointments and set backs and hold onto the vision in my mind. Is that a form of patience? I think it might be.
Ever since the real estate became a viable option, I have been filled with a peace that reassures me this is really happening. There have been some set backs and disappointments, but I have rarely peaked over the edge into that dark pit of despair where I used to teeter. I need to stop looking ahead with anxiety trying to figure out the timetable and just be pleased when the moment arrives. I wanted to be home in June because it is my favorite time of the year and that is not likely to happen, but in the long run, it is okay. There will, hopefully, be other Junes.
It is not wrong to anticipate or to be excited about life's possibilities. In a lot of ways I feel like I am getting a second chance that not everyone gets. I will soon get a chance to figure out how real life measures against the image in my mind. I will struggle and fail and succeed in an environment where I can do the most good and make the biggest difference and not just be a cog in the wheel, easily replace by another cog. Soon. I need to stop telling myself that this excitement is impatience.
And now, I am eager to begin.
"eager to begin" I like that distinction.
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