The Thaw

If everything goes smoothly, it looks like I will be able to submit my resignation from work in a little bit over a month from now. This is exciting and terrifying. Finally after all these years, I will be able to do the all things that work has inhibited me from doing. Freedom is within my grasp.

Between the school rezoning and my grandmother's death, this past month has been very stressful. I feel like I have had a constant low grade headache. When the day arrived where it finally looked as if everything had fallen into place, I was a little numb to the news. Now that a few days have passed and it all still looks promising, the reality of the situation is beginning to congeal in my mind. All the things I have forced myself out of my mind and not think about for years is now flooding back into my head. Before I felt a mental block when trying to form long term plans and now that block is thawing quickly. How am I going to cope over the next few months?

I need to make so many lists just to get this swirling circle of ideas out of my mind. The first list I want to tackle is the house, but this task will take weeks or months. It isn't something that will be easily crossed off the master list. I need to decide how to approach this monumental task. Where do I start? The kitchen could take a week by itself. Each room could take days. And then the closets. And all the boxes that need sorted.

At the same time, I expect a good deal of the cooking duties to fall to me fairly immediately. I need to order my new kitchen knives with the money I got for my birthday. I will need to schedule in large chunks of time to learn how to function in the kitchen.

I need to plan the homeschool year. I feel panicky over this task. Is math and the library really enough in the beginning? I will be fending off questions from people who will think we are crazy. Time to develop a defensible stock answer.

I want to start exercising because I am tired of hurting all the time. I want to have a schedule, but I don't think a schedule is realistic while I am trying to resurface.

I feel like I will need help, but I won't be home until after my mother goes back to school so she can't help and my sister's help comes with a side of her three children which is maybe self-defeating. Seven kids running around the house while we clean and organize? Doubtful. Dave needs to be able to run on his own schedule because his work needs to be a top priority once we do not have the safety net of my job so I cannot plan with the expectation of him being home. He might be or he might not. His schedule changes daily and without much warning.

So right now I am feeling very overwhelmed. Happy, but overwhelmed. I still have time to think about this, right? Just one step at a time. Step #1: Start making lists.